after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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