Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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