I think my vagina is haunted
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
