I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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