before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
