i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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