I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
