I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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