Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
