The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
