she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
