Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
