gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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