how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
