it's too hot outside to masturbate.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
