drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
