Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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