it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
