Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
