he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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