my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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