I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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