I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
