you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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