I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
