well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
