I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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