God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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