so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
