He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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