Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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