in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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