just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
