I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
