I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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