My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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