I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME