I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
