I'm so fucking centered right now
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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