you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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