What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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