I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Even my vagina gasped.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
