3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
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