I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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