No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
