he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
