Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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