I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
