i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
