I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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