This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
my poor anus
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
