did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
Dude. She just shit herself.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.