Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit