There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
